This year I am determined to sort of face my fears – within reason of course. One of them is visiting the dentist. It’s not the pain I am afraid of, but the lack of control. I am becoming such a freak. Namely a control freak. If I don’t have control over the situation I feel claustrophobic and my heart starts racing and soon I can’t breathe. I had an overdue appointment with the dentist which I wanted to cancel but forced myself to go through with. In the end I don’t regret it.
I wanted to write about it before I went, but writing about it would probably focus my fears and make it worse. What I needed before the visit was pure distraction. So now that I have done it and survived I can write about it. It wasn’t anything major. I have no cavities, but my gums are weak and tend to bleed so it was just the usual scaling and polishing. I need the polishing because all the coffee I drink makes me look like I am a chain smoker.
Anyway I was hoping and praying, I would not freak out while sitting in the dentist’s chair and have one of my claustrophobic attacks or feel like I was choking as the dentist cleaned my teeth. That would be highly embarrassing. In the end it was ok as I had breaks in between to gargle and I just focused on the pain and the light in front of me as I lay down on the chair.
Yeah that’s right – the pain actually helped and now I think I can understand why people cut themselves. Maybe it’s a similar reason – pain distracts your brain from terrifying thoughts. I sound so freaky right now and I hope I am not scaring my readers off. It’s partly why I chose to remain anonymous. It helps me talk about issues like this that I am so embarrassed about. All you readers are like my shrinks. It’s actually kinda good therapy.
The reason why I was afraid, was a long time ago when I was working and used to get facials I always told the facialist not to use the toner spray thingy on my face. I am ok if I submerge myself underwater or if I spray water on my face in the shower, but if someone else does it, it feels like torture to me. It feels like I am being suffocated. I also don’t like the steamer thing directly on my face. I have stopped going since. Also recently a visit to the hairdresser where they put that hair dryer thingy over your head and then walk away for half an hour – that freaked me out. I felt like I wanted to escape, but couldn’t. I just felt trapped and my heart started racing and my palms starting getting cold and clammy. I can’t explain problems like these to the person treating my hair. My hair now looks like a bird’s nest, because I avoid the hair dresser. If anyone else out there has little freak outs about similar things, please comment. It would be great to not feel so alone in my oddness.
I just feels great that I can check off visit to the dentist from my imaginary 2011 resolutions list because in reality, I haven’t made a list yet. One other thing I want to make a habit is to floss every night (how the heck do you reach those back teeth?), so that I can minimize visits to the dentists, because it ain’t cheap.